Showcasing our authentic selves – even when we’re not on vacation

Me: Hi. Where are you from?

Them: Edmonton. You?

Me: I’m from London. The other London. The one in Canada. Have you been here long?

Them: Just a few days.

Me: How long are you staying for?

Them: We’re here for a week. Hopefully it’s a lot smoother going home than it was getting here. We were delayed 13 hours because of the snowstorm.

Me: 13 hours! OMG! We got lucky, only delayed by about 30 minutes. Love this resort! No need to feel guilty about eating or drinking too many calories with all the walking we do here!

And so it went. Every conversation I had with fellow sun seekers at the Grand Sirenis Riviera Maya Resort & Spa basically followed the same script, with minor variations here and there to talk about the food, the weather, the nightly entertainment, and excursions.

Oh, and the conversation with one guy who, without any prompting, offered up that he works for the “covert office” of our provincial police force. “I guess that means you can’t tell me anything about it,” I said. He just nodded and smiled.

It was my first vacation to an all-inclusive resort in at least 15 years. I did my homework. I joined a Facebook group created by others who had stayed at this 5-star lap of luxury to get their tips about what I might want to consider cramming into my suitcase (my own floatie for the lazy river to avoid the line-up; paper straws for the colourful cocktails served up at the swim up bar; bug spray for all the mosquitos). I did bring a floatie but only used it once; was too busy being lazy at the beach to float along the lazy river. I also brought straws which did come in handy but didn’t need the bug spray. No mozzies here as my friends from Australia and New Zealand would say.

It was the first resort I visited where I didn’t have to race down to the pool or beach at sunrise to mark my turf with a towel. Loungers were always easy to find even after a leisurely “breakfast of champions” consisting of mimosas and chocolate doughnuts.

With close to 1,000 rooms, I was a little concerned it would feel crowded but quickly learned that’s also the benefit of a large, spacious resort. There were so many options of where people could plant their ample bottoms that, aside from the larger buffets, I never really felt like we were crammed on top of one another.

Dance like no one is watching

I like who I become when I’m on vacation. I am 100 per cent Kathy. I relax and don’t worry about the extra desserts or martinis I’m consuming. I stop comparing myself to others. I don’t worry about what others think of me. I don’t worry about impressing anyone or seeking the approval of others. I go with the flow. I slow my pace and stroll leisurely. I embrace adventure (seven zip lines on this trip including one where I was harnessed in and flew like a bird with wings stretched wide!). I dance like no one is watching, hoot and holler and clap enthusiastically for the nightly performances staged by local singers and dancers. The Michael Jackson show was impressive!

I wish I was the kind of person who could tap into this Kathy all the time. I do get glimpses of her now and then but at home, living my ordinary life, I still very much revert back to who I think I’m supposed to be. That pulled together, successful, strong persona I have carefully curated over the years, reinforced during my days as a very public-facing television reporter/anchor. Any poor reflection on me, my thinking went, could also reflect poorly on my employer.

Today’s social media feeds are full of fun, beautiful moments. But life isn’t all sunshine and roses. So why do we insist on only showing the world our unblemished side? Why do we insist on implying we are living our best possible lives?

I think part of it has to do with not wanting to be a Debbie Downer or Bob Bummer (sorry to all the Debbie’s and Bob’s out there) by sharing posts that always seem to lean towards the negative. I agree, it is a downer to only hear what’s going wrong in someone’s life. I want to hear the good too. It should be possible to strike a balance and, in the process, come across as a real person with real challenges, heartbreak, breakthroughs and successes.

From personal experience, I can tell you the outpouring of support has been incredible when I’ve shared some struggles over the past year. Lending my voice to an issue (such as seeking the services of a therapist – again) can also help reduce the stigma or shame someone else may be feeling about tapping into similar support.

The masks we wear

We all started wearing masks long before the COVID-19 pandemic and I think the longer we continue to hide parts of ourselves from the world, the harder it becomes to remember and be who we truly are. Again, speaking from personal experience, it does take a lot of baby steps to fully develop our authentic selves, if we get there at all.

In an article in Psychology Today, Tchiki Davis, Ph.D., an expert on building happiness in the age of technology, lists a multitude of ways we can begin showcasing the real us.

“Love yourself and have compassion for others to develop authenticity. Because it takes self-love for our Authentic Selves to emerge, embedding more love and compassion within yourself and your life is helpful.”

Tchiki Davis, Ph.D.

This one speaks to me and it’s something I am actively working on – learning how to be gentle with myself and to love myself enough to accept all my flaws and imperfections. I’m slowly working through a book by Dr. Kristen Neff, “Self–Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself”. It’s tough slogging and the exercises sometimes leave me sobbing, but I’m already noticing a difference in how I treat myself.

Positive affirmations

Another one of Ms Davis’ tips I have tried before. It basically involves replacing negative beliefs about yourself with positive ones. You start by listing what you believe about yourself, then taking a good hard look at where those beliefs came from, why you continue to lug them around today, and whether they accurately represent you.

If they aren’t accurate representations, create positive alternatives to counteract them. So, instead of thinking, “I’m flawed because I’m not smart or fat or unattractive” or the myriad of other things we tell ourselves, start repeating positive affirmations like, “I’m perfect just the way I am.”

At first, it of course feels strange to say “Hey beautiful” when I look in the mirror, or read strategically placed post-it notes scattered around the house reminding me how amazing I am, but you know what, it doesn’t feel half as weird as it did when I first started this practice. I’m still very much a work in progress but I love where I am heading!

So, I hope you’ll join me and the next time you find that perfect spot on a tropical beach or post something on your Facebook page or Instagram account, consider putting down the make-up brushes, allow your cellulite and less than perfectly white teeth to shine through, and let us celebrate the glorious person that is you!

But only after you’ve had that mimosa and chocolate doughnut!

Who’s in?