Writer’s block.

When putting words down on paper becomes more challenging than untangling metres of jumbled Christmas lights and figuring out which one tiny colourful light bulb has knocked out the entire line.

As someone who’s made her living in storytelling, I’ve been fortunate. Sharing other people’s lived experiences has rarely stopped me in my tracks. Especially not with a pressing deadline looming over my shoulder.

Capturing my thoughts and emotions in a journal that only I will see also comes pretty seamlessly. In fact, I’m getting much better at journaling in a stream of consciousness; writing exactly what pops into my head without worrying about punctuation or spelling and WRITING IN ALL CAPS IF I’M FEELING PARTICULARLY AGITATED!!!

But assembling cohesive sentences, telling my story and having it consumed by real live human beings, is where I hit roadblocks. Imaginary or real, they are there.

I’m the roadblock

A lot of people have encouraged me to share the myriad of adventures I’ve experienced having lived and worked in developing countries for the better part of eight years. Since I moved home from Africa at the end of 2016 I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a blog. Over those six years I’ve made some half-hearted attempts. I get inspired, churn out draft after draft and that, for the most part, is where they land. Unfinished in a folder labelled “Blog”, on my external hard drive.

Why?

Clearly it’s me. I’m getting in my own way.

• How do I really feel about the topic I’m writing about? What’s my opinion?
• Who’s going to care about what I have to say?
• What if I get it wrong?
• What if people don’t like it?
• What if someone disagrees with it or calls me out on a grammar error?
• And probably most importantly, what if my words inadvertently hurt someone?

These are the thoughts that bounce around in my brain as rapidly as synapses firing off.

Get out of my head

Of the bullet points above, there are two that I struggle with the most. Voicing my opinion and causing pain. Because let’s face it. Blogs can be personal. Chances are that at some point I’m going to reference my family, my childhood, my experiences and how they have shaped me into who I am today. While it’s not my intention for my musings to hurt anyone, it’s possible.

Let’s take my family of origin for example. I learned that it was safer for me not to have a voice. The few times I do remember speaking up, I got smacked or my opinion was discounted and went unheard (for the record, I only ever remember being struck once). In the chaos of that environment, little Kathy learned it was better to not create more chaos so I shut up and focused on being the “number one daughter”.

Then, I chose a career where, as a journalist, I was not supposed to have (or at least express) an opinion. That has changed greatly over the years; it seems the line between journalist and editorialist is much blurrier now, but that’s a topic for another day. So, for 18 years I stuck with the facts ma’am, just the facts and kept my opinion out of my storytelling.

I still make a living storytelling, working with an organization whose principles I greatly believe in and adhere to, but principles which require me to remain neutral and keep my thoughts to myself.

Tapping into ancient wisdom

Where do I find my voice? How do I get to a place where I feel comfortable publicly expressing, regardless of how others react? Is that even possible for the people pleaser in me?

Recently, I had the privilege of sitting down with local author, Katherine Krige (check out her book Roughing it in Africa). She found me on social media, realized we had joint connections and invited me for tea. It turns out we have a lot in common and during our almost three hour long chat our conversation at one point turned to writing. No surprise there. Her advice? Just start and write about what I can. Other authors encourage journaling, a lot; of getting into the habit of just writing. It won’t all be stellar. But that’s okay. Some of it will be.

I’m inspired again. I do have stories to share. I feel like I’m on a precipice, ready to burst out and tap into more of my potential. As I make yet another attempt (not half-hearted this time) at reviving my blog, I realize the process is about so much more than just pushing through writer’s block. I’m telling my own story. People can agree or disagree with me. In the end, it doesn’t really matter because as long as I’m truthful and respectful and as authentic as I know how to be, it’s my story I’m telling, my reality.

I am reminded of The Four Agreements, based on ancient Toltec wisdom and first shared by bestselling author don Miguel Ruiz in 1997. I’m specifically reminded of the first two agreements:

Be Impeccable with Your Word

• Speak with integrity.
• Say only what you mean.
• Avoid using the ‘word’ to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.
• Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

• Nothing others do is because of you.
• What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.
• When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

It’s taken me almost 1,000 words and I see I have found a whisper of my voice. It will take time, but it will become stronger. It will become louder.

I hope you’ll come along for the ride and forgive my missteps along the way. I’d love to hear your voice. Drop me a line. Let me know how you work through obstacles you encounter, whether they’re related to writing or not. And if you happen to know a hack for figuring out which Christmas light on the line is burned out, please share that too.